MATTHIAS: My eyes are dim. I cannot see.
CENTURION: Are you Matthias?
CENTURION: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'.
MATTHIAS: Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.
CENTURION: Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house. You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?
CENTURION: Nasty, eh?
MATTHIAS: Hm. Could be worse.
CENTURION: What do you mean, 'could be worse'?
MATTHIAS: Well, you could be stabbed.
CENTURION: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death!
MATTHIAS:Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
CENTURION: You're weird.
SERGEANT: No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
CENTURION: But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
MATTHIAS: Big Nose.
CENTURION: Watch it.
MATTHIAS: Phew, that was lucky.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, Reg.
REG: Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed--
BORING PROPHET: ...this great, big, juicy melon behind.
MATTHIAS: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?
CENTURION: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
MATTHIAS: I'm just a poor old man. My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered.
CENTURION: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
MATTHIAS: Crucifixion's a doddle.
CENTURION: Don't keep saying that.
SERGEANT: Found this spoon, sir.
CENTURION: Well done, Sergeant! We'll
be back, oddball.
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